You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.
Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
The insult with a smile on your face is the best for me. It's dumb ass golfers who think they are very special I get the most pleasure from insulting.
ReplyDeleteThese are so funny! I think the Brits have the best humor, don't you?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing these, they are very good and gave me a laugh.. that's always a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI channel Oscar Wilde quite often myself. My favorite spin is:
ReplyDeleteThere are two ways to dilike blogs. One is to dislike blogs. The other is to read American Power.
Great way to start the morning. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteChurchill's are the ones that come to mind most often.Great one, Leslie!
ReplyDeleteI can't take credit for this - a friend sent it to me via email, so we can thank him.
ReplyDeleteOne Fly: Watch it. I used to be one of those avid dumb-ass golfers. ; )
That's just it - with the smile they don't have a clue there was an insult thrown. It's just caddyshack shit. Inside yuks.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you were always on excellent behavior.
Hmmm, I bet if you followed Truth around, you'd get a whole new perspective! I always tried to position myself so I'd be the last one to play - even if it meant starting at 7 PM.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that most players can be assinine but they are out there to relax, not spout Shakespere - even if they could.
ReplyDeleteChurchill and Wilde both had tremendous command of the English language, if you are going to really, really, insult someone that is a necessity.
ReplyDelete"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." --Robert Frost
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I can find a favorite - they're all quite witty. Unless you know Wlater Kerr was a dance critic you might not understand his quip.
ReplyDeleteSW: I don't remember that one but it would be on the list. Very applicable for today.
One of my favorite insults comes from Blackadder, a British comedy show set in the 13th century -- a minor aristocrat is insulting another man:
ReplyDelete"You ride a horse rather less well than an other horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large, and the part of you that can't be mentioned -- I am reliably informed by ladies about the court -- wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be!"
Oh Infidel. Too funny. I'm enjoying the fact that people are coming up with other classy insults. I just wish I had the brains and literary know-how to zing someone with one of these.
ReplyDeleteFaulkner and Clark Gable were pals. A mutual friend said that it made perfect sense: Faulkner had never seen a movie and Gable had never read a book.
ReplyDeleteThese are delightful. Here’s one I like: the late, great wit, Dorothy Parker of New York’s Algonquin Round Table, when told Calvin Coolidge had died: “How would they know?” Ms. Parker always answered her telephone, “What fresh hell is this?”
ReplyDeleteMy favorite was Clarence Darrows.
ReplyDeleteOh, those were good!!!
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
ReplyDeleteMaybe, but from what I've read Hemingway was more fun to be around.
The political aspirant stood astage while the audience grew increasingly hostile. Soon, they began to throw things. As a head of cabbage hit the stage and rolled to a stop at his feet he remarked "I see my opponent has lost his head."
ReplyDeleteFive extra points for he/she who identifies the speaker without use of a keyboard.