Last month, the Tulsa World published a letter headlined "Strange birds" that seems really to have been about birds and not about politics. And then came this one,"More strange birds," published on May 29:
"The birds described by William Snyder ("Strange birds," May 12) are not herons, but rather the yellow-bellied sapsucker (Republicus Vulturus). The sapsucker is native to Oklahoma, and has overrun the state, endangering the environment, and invading the habitat of more peace-loving species.
"The sapsucker's favorite pastime is pooping on women, minorities and old people. Sapsuckers are famous for migrating to Washington, D.C, to attack the dreaded Hawaiian blackbird (e pluribus unum), who mates for life and now nests in the environs of the White House.
"Recently, there were several attempts by the sapsucker subspecies to displace the blackbird; for example, the Alaskan snowbird (Terminus Interruptus), the hairy-crested loon (Booby Eternus), the Minnesota nuthatch (Crackpotus Extremus), the red-necked robin (Bubba Sanctimonius), and last but not least, the Newtonian dodo (Pretentious Supremus), who gets lost during migrations because he tries to go two different directions at once, confusing the hell out of all the other birds.
"Occasionally a sapsucker stays in Washington to harass the more friendly birds. An example is the hardheaded woodpecker (Bimbo Jimbo) and the Muskogee pill pusher (Hypocrite Par Excellence). Sapsuckers are famous for self-destruction and don't present a significant threat to the American bald eagle.
"The only natural enemy for the sapsucker is the truth. It causes sapsuckers to shrivel up and fade away like the Wicked Witch of the West."
It's signed by Barbara Santee of Tulsa, who appears to be a past recipient of a Tulsa Interfaith Alliance award for faith and courage. Thanks to viewer Max Brewer for forwarding the letter.
Great stuff!!!
ReplyDeleteWe have an Ohio buzzard masquerading as our governor but I think he's about to become extinct.
This was on The Rachel Meadow Blog and I thought it was wittiest and most creative piece of writing I'd seen in a long time.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
Fantastic find, L.P. Thanks for the best laugh of the week.
ReplyDeleteHah! Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteOne should not forget the further ecological threats posed by other such invasive species as the Northern Walker (Bustador unionorum), the Orange Boehnhead (Vino intoxicus), the flightless Giant Rush Squawker (Obesus maximus), and occasional flocks of Spotted Teabirds (Astroturfus microcephalus). Oddly enough, these and all the other sapsucker sub-species are generally classified as turkeys. Luckily, their increasingly-fierce squabbles with each other for higher places in the pecking order will likely put many out of action.
A collective thanks. I was hoping people would get a good laugh. We really could use a few these days. And thanks for the great additions, Infidel.
ReplyDeleteThey may be strange birds, but they all lay the same eggs...ROTTEN!
ReplyDeletePlease accept my condolences with profound egrets.
ReplyDeletehmmmm the Piss plummaged Pawlenty Pecker (stupidus inarticulata)
ReplyDeletehmmmm can this been done with rodents, too?
Hilarious, thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteCould we perhaps fence off the infested area, and subject it to strict quarantine to prevent the spread of the Duh-Duh Bird?
ReplyDeleteMagpie (who is currently not able to use his normal logins...) likes this example of perceptive ornithology.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, being a bird photographer I had to check out this post! So glad I did!
ReplyDeleteYou've identified some really strange birds, alright... and they tend to flock together, especially (and this is odd...) at teabagger rallies.
Infestations seem to be moving southward by the day, if our news is any indication.
Hitchcock would have loved this!
Very, very funny. I used to be a Bird watcher, but haven't been able to do so since 1992.
ReplyDeleteHowever, since the takeover of the US House in 2010, I've been able to observe a tremendous number of bird-brains preen and strut in front of the teevee.
What witty readers you are. You've managed to give me as many laughs as the author of the letter - always an added benefit because I'm not finding too much to laugh about these days. What a world.
ReplyDeleteMagpie - good to hear from you. I've been wondering about you but I take it you're having problems with your computer?
The Sarah Spoonbill is also known as the Queen of Preen
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The GOP bird that waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.
My computer is okay. I logged in now but can't post normally on this blog. Not sure what's going on. Thanks for your thoughts and sorry I'm not around more - Magpie.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Sorry about this Magpie but I don't know what to do about it, being technically illiterate. I don't understand it because I haven't changed anything as yet. But as long as you can get on, even if it's through the back door, I'm happy to see you.
ReplyDeleteI had such fun with this! It must be added, though, that there are threats within the ranks. Like the brown-headed cow bird that stealthily lays a big, beige egg in the bluebirds' nest and goes about its business, the Beaked Peckerwood, Twitteropticus Weinerus, erodes from within.
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